Mariyam - The Will of Destiny

Raju

Things were getting dismal. It was just a month to go before I would give NEET PG exam. I had lost the will to work hard. The voluminous books lay on the table before my eyes, and I couldn’t muster strength to turn a page.

Self-doubt has been the biggest hurdle in my life. The fear of failure made me numb, and procrastinate my work. I was seated on my chair, staring blankly at the walls. Life is too slow sometimes, when you have to do just one thing and you are getting worse in it. I tried remembering the things I studied and I felt I knew nothing. Everything had gone blank from my mind ---deleted. But I had a month’s time to set things right, in my favour.

 Mariam

If ever I wanted anything from my heart, it was permanence. A permanent home, a permanent husband who would love me permanently. I was willing to pay a fair price for the love I needed. A love that would extend forever.

Through the years I was a medical student, I doted upon him. I couldn't understand it would vanish in a puff of smoke. One day, he said it quits. I wanted to stay by his side forever. But he was gone! He had qualified in the NEET PG exam, and I hadn’t. Instead of seeking whose fault it was, we (rather I) submitted it to the Will of Destiny. We weren't meant to be together.

 It made me doubt myself. He moved on, and the stupid ME remained stuck hoping for a miracle that he would return. I had given my NEET PG 2024 exams, and after the exam decided to give INI CET November 2024.

I had several doubts which I would ask in a Telegram group- BTR. It's a coaching group for medical students who want to clear the PG entrance exam. Some of my questions were answered by a person with a funny user name – Cingulate. 

Raju

Mariam was to me just a random girl I met on the internet. Not a living person, but someone who asked questions – so definitely had a mind, but no body. It was the body that counted, and I had no interest in Mariam. It was a doubt she had, which I considered solving. Some doubts of great importance to someone may appear silly to others. But it's the wise that falters not in gaining knowledge. 

Mariam and me weren't at terms when we met. She was a devout Muslim girl, crossed in love and marriage. Was Mariam beautiful? I don't know. What I am interested is in the content of the heart. If it has love, and is pure, I am willing to pay a fair price of my time. I met such people often, and they were most welcome to cry on my invisible shoulders. I would comfort them the best I could. You would wonder where my interest lay -

Seven years down the lane, and she left me for good. Each day, I woke up, I would struggle in my mind that I had to do something for her. That I had to be a good husband. And then, it was all wiped out in a day. She was hard with her emotions. And she was blunt. It was my mistake, I felt all along. I was on the back foot. And she left. All I could say, 'If a person wants to stay, one reason would be enough. If they want to leave, thousands of reasons would be insufficient.'

That’s when I felt I could make a difference in the lives of those who were crossed in love/marriage. People presume me to be someone who I am not. Some stupid Raju, who is preparing for NEET PG entrance exam. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are. What works to success is a combination of intelligence, hard work, luck and timing. I wasn't successful, as per her definition. It didn’t matter to me!

After knowing the story of Mariam, I had empathy for her. Just a little heart for everyone. Mariam wanted to see my picture. But I declined. So, she called me ugly names. I didn’t say anything, which enraged her. She blocked me. And that's how, we ended our short not so promising story.

The people we think as fools succeed in the long run.

6 months later

Mariam

Work has become accustomed to me perhaps, that I can’t distinguish between a workday and a non-workaday. I have to find in all these, time for myself. To breathe, feel alive. It’s dull being alone after work. My man left me, and I haven’t the nerve to develop attachment to anyone else. Loving my work seems the only solution. I hope my parents doesn’t get me married to some random Raju. I would rather die a spinster, than marry a hopeless Raju.

Raju

Mariam was hot headed, spoke her mind and had a complacent nature. The world revolved around her. She disappeared after the NEET PG counselling like a fart in the wind. No communication or any sign of existence. Sometimes during my lonely hours, I would rummage my mind; and that soft image of Mariam lingered out of the semiconscious part to startle me. I didn’t like the girl, but why was she haunting me in my odd hours?

My residency was having a toll on me, and I would slip into a world of fantasy to escape the harsh work environment. The more I delved into the deepest part of my subconsciousness, the more I could feel the existence of Mariam. It seemed she was engulfing me with her presence out of nowhere.

Mariam

It was just another work day, no different from the rest. I had just worked on a case, and it had gone bad. We needed a good team to save the patient. It was an emergency and our unit head had given the distress call. A team arrived soon, and gave emergency CPR (cardio-pulmonary resuscitation). The patient was soon shifted to intensive care unit which was in an adjacent building, which I would see but hadn’t the time to visit. After an hour of anxious waiting, the good news came that the patient’s condition was stable. Working as a doctor feels overwhelming at times – feels like you are either the saviour or the killer!

Raju

My work has been more like an action hero. Quick response, to the events happening around me. Leaves no room for effect of ethanol to last. In that moment of conscious awareness of the things going around me, I noticed a damsel in distress to say. She looked like she had run a marathon, and was puffing and panting.

“I have a patient, here” she spake out. I nodded, and pointed to the one which I guessed for she had come! She assessed the patient, her doe like eyes scanning everything around, that said the patient was in good condition.

“Your patient is stable,” I said.

“Thank you doctor. I am Mariam, and you?”

“Raju…..Raju,” I said!