Excerpts from Meenu's Diary

Dear Kitty, (30/05/XX) 

I don't know why this boy seems so interested in me. I can feel it in his manners and his way of talking. It has been over two months he is here, and I feel he observes me a lot. Doesn't speak anything. Seems to be like a creepy person. Yuck! I wouldn't want to be near him. 

Dear Kitty, (15/06/XX) 

I don't know what to make out of it. He is a kind guy. I could see he wants to speak but hesitates to talk when he is around me. He listens to my parents. My little sister talks freely around him. He guides my brother. But he seems nervous in my presence. What do I make of it? I go to the college and he sits outside to study. I think he waits for me, though it may just be my wishful thinking. 

Dear Kitty, (30/06/XX) 

We have got into talking. You might feel jealous that nowadays I think more of this boy, I had wanted avoid. He speaks and he speaks slow and soft. I feel drawn towards him. Maybe I haven't met men too close, and am attracted to him for no reason. Let's see what time has to say. He isn't cold anymore. 

Dear Kitty, (07/07/XX) 

College life is fun, but my heart stays at home. I want to talk and discuss things which I do in my life with someone. Someone in whom I can confide. I am getting attached to this boy. I want to be near him and just feel his presence around me. I like the way he looks at me as if he longs for me. I like the way he talks to me, and the respect he has for me. Something has changed in my heart and the way I think about him. Maybe it's his persistent efforts to let me know about his presence in my life. I just can't avoid him anymore. 

 Dear Kitty, (06/09/XX) 

Today was a beautiful day.

I saw my beloved staring at me. He looks starved of my attention. He longs for me—I can feel it in my heart—but my insecurities do not let me cross boundaries.

Today, dear Kitty, my dearest saw me cleaning rice. It felt so embarrassing. He saw me picking the grains, and I did not know what to say. He tried to start a conversation, but I simply went inside my house. It must have felt rude to him. I did not mean it to be.

I do not know how to tell him that I love him—from the bottom of my heart. It is not only his silent stare that frightens me; it is his loneliness. I have seen him sit alone for hours, studying quietly.

Dear Kitty, (15/10/XX) 

Today my dearest helped my father reach the bus stop. He is strong, though I tease him about it. He carried all the suitcases by himself. I felt glad that I had packed my father’s things properly. These little things he does for my family give me deep happiness and satisfaction.

Dear Kitty, (12/11/XX)

I felt the first time the touch of my beloved. He held my hand, to understand the lines on my palm. I could just tell him, everything in it is yours. He read palmistry, but I wonder if he knows much about it. But I loved the touch of his warm hands. His hands are also soft, but they have the grip of a man. It feels hard, when I tried to withdraw so I let him hold and study my hand. I don't know what he was saying, for I was lost when he held my hand... 

Dear Kitty, (14/12/XX) 

Today when I went to the terrace, I saw my dearest on the terrace. He was staring at my clothes on the rope that I had put to dry. He seemed a bit embarrassed at my sight. I hoped he would say something, but he spoke little and quickly went downstairs. Does he have some fetish with my clothes? 

Dear Kitty, (12/03/XX)

I felt the touch of my dearest on mey face. His hands are so caring. I waited for him to come and put colours on my face. He was patient. I wanted to play with him too, but I am a shy girl and not open to such revelry. 

Dear Kitty, (30/04/XX) 

Today my dearest came on the terrace. It was evening. We sat together for sometime talking about mathematics and work. And then he was all silent. He just stared at my face like he was lost. I don't know what to make out of it. Good thing Lisa was there to interrupt him or he would have spent all his time dissolved in his thoughts. I wouldn't be the girl to interrupt him however. 

Dear Kitty, (25/06/XX) 

Tomorrow my dearest will be gone.

I will not be able to see him anymore. In all these days, he has never told me that he loves me. Does he truly love me? I am terrified of his stare now. Does he love me—or does he want to use me?

I crave his affection. I feel his love, yet he has never said it aloud. Could I not have more of him? Could he not express it in words? I do not know what lies in his heart.

I want to tell him that I love him. I want to hug him and feel his strong arms. I want to cry on his shoulder. Why is he so silent? Why is he so mute?

Dear Kitty, (26/06/XX) 

Today my dearest is leaving for college.

There will be many girls around him—girls of his social standing. Will he forget me? Will he remember me? These thoughts fill me with anxiety and fear. I have no one but you, to whom I can confide the feelings of my heart.

Oh God, why must I suffer silently?

Do I not love him enough for it to show in my eyes? How many hints must I give him before he says those three words my ears are waiting to hear? Could he not affirm it?

I have been cheated once. I cannot bear that pain again. My trust in boys has shattered. I need a man—someone who can stand up for me.

Dear Kitty, (26/06/XX) 10:00 pm

Today my beloved came to say goodbye.

He broke my heart.

What good is it to see him now, when he is leaving? Can I bear the thought of his departure? No more seeing him. No more waiting for his eyes to steal secret glances filled with admiration.

I grew used to his love and attention. And yet, he never had the courage to tell me he loved me. What am I to make of this? How do I simply walk up to him and say “Goodbye”?

I would break down crying. I cannot watch him leave. My heart is not strong enough.

Dear Kitty, (09/ 07/XX) 

I wish I were exceptional at mathematics.

I am just an ordinary girl, hoping for a stable job and a degree. I know my beloved wishes to be with someone brilliant in mathematics. I do not possess that extraordinary gift. I am simple—I love mathematics, understand it a little, and live quietly in its shadow.

I wish I could make something meaningful of my life. College life feels empty. I want to fall in love again—but his eyes haunt me.

I miss him terribly.

Dear Kitty, (15/06/XX) 

I have waited for his phone call.

He has never called.

For one year, I have waited. Each day feels heavier than the last. I waited for a letter, a message—anything.

But there is nothing.

I must move on now. I cannot wait for someone who had nothing for me in his heart. Perhaps he only played with my feelings.

And now, I am broken.

Dear Kitty, (27/09/XX) 

A life without him is not a life to be lived. Today when I was cleaning the terrace room, and dumping my old notebooks, his letter fell out. I don't know if I am happy or grieved. I have now nothing left...